For a long time I tried to hide my inner problems behind academia. Things went wrong for me when I was 12 or 13. I don't really know why. Luckily I got on in academia and that saved me, until I got thrown out. Then I lived under a dark cloud for several years.
I started drawing, and later painting. That helped. I guess I'm just emotionally stupid. The only way I seem to be able to figure out what I feel, or what I felt at some time, is to paint. It calms me down and gives me inner peace. Mostly I paint things that appeal to me but I do paint technical studies too. Finished works are put on Instagram. Sometimes I add photos of clothing projects or to mark moments in my life. I guess if you're transgendered clothes are always that bit more interesting.
I don't think my work is all that good. Some things I put on instagram, I'm a bit embarrasased by. However I'm just trying to connect with people, somehow. Later, for exactly that reason, I started making music. I also realised that if I don't make my art I'll just sit and stare into space. Maybe it's better to make bad art or embarrassing things that live in depression.
After enough pain, I decided it was easier to take female hormones and live as non-binary. I was just done hating myself. Nowadays really anything feels better than hating myself. More simply, I'm a car crash hoping for love but knowing I don't deserve it. I just make art to try and deal with that. Therapy hasn't helped too much. Relationships have been hard.
Originally I'm from Britain but now I live in Munich. I've lived my life with Monaco - What Do You Want From Me? playing in my head.
My main influences are Caravaggio and Bacon. Also Aranea Peel (Grausame Töchter) inspires me to be bolder.
I sell my paintings cheaply, about 30EUR, depending on the size and how important a painting is to me. I'd only consider a comission if you're a dominatrix.
All text and photographs are copyright of Shoeatrix.
